what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
