so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
