she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Randomize
