the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
