I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
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