I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
