Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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