With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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