Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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