I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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