Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
