She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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