saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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