Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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