CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
