KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
