Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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