2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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