flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
