next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You are the jesus of drinking
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
