): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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