so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
