Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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