He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
