you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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