i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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