I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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