i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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