whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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