Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
