made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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