I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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