After last night, I could never be a politician.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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