You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
