I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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