If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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