Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
