We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
