if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
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