i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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