Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
The best revenge is premature balding
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
