I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
