Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
