bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
