Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
