HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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