Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
