Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
