I just threw up on my dentist
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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