On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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